Beware, Here Be Whining

Posted: October 7, 2010 in Uncategorized

For several years I didn’t have it that together. Admittedly, not being able to walk, post-traumatic stress, recurring pain, repeated moving and all that sort of thing does make it hard to get things organized… but I’m past that now and doing much better.

That’s why its frustrating that things are harder than before.

When I got sick at the beginning of August, the thing that really got me upset–and damn, I was really upset–was that it wasn’t fair. I was finally getting my act together and the universe rewarded me with more hospitalization.

I was brought up with the ethic that doing good, doing the right thing, led to good consequences. It’s not that I expect life to be fair… I’m enough of a realist to know that’s not going to happen except when visiting my mom. But I do feel like putting in three times the work I used to ought to make things, maybe say, half-again as easy. Or maybe 20% off the stress. Some kind of return for the effort.

That’s why it’s so damn stressful that life right now is more difficult by a reasonable factor than it was before I got back to writing, keeping the house a lot cleaner that we ever did, nailing school with the boys…

The worst part is the financial difficulties. Admittedly, it’s not anyone’s fault; it’s a combination of the economy, the living situation, a bunch of things that I can’t control, Kay can’t control, no one can control. That could even be part of why I’m trying so hard to control things in my life. I’m eBaying what I can, but it’s a slow process and I’m not chock full of hundred-dollar comics anymore. I’ve cut my spending significantly, but even the money I get from work is barely coping with $3.99 comics. I’m trying to get writing out there, but that’s going to be a long-term income, if income at all. Meanwhile, the short term is killing me.

I’m trying to come up with alternate income streams; we all are, here. But even that’s full of frustration and obstacles, and most of all, time I don’t have. I might have time to do some of the things I’ve brainstormed, but I don’t have time for the learning curve and get everything else (writing included) done…

Yes, I’m bitching, and yes, it’s all that personal crap that you’re not supposed to talk about. But heck, it’s a stumbling block in my process, so it’s fair game here, I think.

Why work so hard when it doesn’t make things any easier? If A <> B, why A?

For most of my life, that would be a signal to me to stop. I have my issues with the illogical, even with my love of the absurd. I also have enough trouble working so hard without my instincts working against me more than they already do.

I’m not stopping, I’m not giving up. I’m just whining. Whining and wondering if there’s something I’m missing in all this. Because no one should work this hard on getting their life together and not be able to afford Rock Band 3. Because while life isn’t fair, I don’t think it’s downright mean.


Tomorrow: I stop being such a bhiny witch, I hope.

  1. It is suckage, my friend. Amen to that. I am struggling to deal with some of the same financial questions, very different in some ways sans family, but also very similar in others. I pause with you for a moment to appreciate the suckage.

    Now, back to writing and all!

  2. Rachelle says:

    I don’t know if it makes you feel any better to know others are suffering with you, but I am right there with you…Maybe it’s a part of being forty, the realization that there are things so far out of our control that no matter what we thought we could achieve, we are going to have to be very creative to get there. I’m sure the generation that dealt with the depression or even the economic woes of the 70s felt similarly.

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